Like the return of the almighty Mayweather. I bounced back into the ring. This time I was to be undefeated. There was no way I was that unlucky to meet another weirdo. I wasn’t cursed! Or was I?
After brushing off the trauma of my previous date. I had restored my faith in humanity, and convinced myself not every boy was sex crazed, with dog characteristics, nor barking mad..
With my new found confidence. I reinstalled my trusty Tinder app. I began vigorously scrolling through, but this time with complete caution.
Sam* the guy who was to be different from the others. His chat just a little dry, but I wasn’t picking up on any danger signs. My instincts had given me the go ahead, so we took it to the next level, WhatsApp. A big commitment in the world of Tinder.
I began to learn his hobbies included things such as hiking. Although my idea of hiking involves having to walk into McDonalds instead of using the drive-thru.
Despite the extreme polar opposite interests. We agreed to meet. Once again he seemed normal. What was the worst that could happen, etc etc.
This time it was arranged to meet in my home town for drinks. I was more aware of escape routes if necessary.
My dad dropped me off. Not really arriving in style, but nobody was to know.
I spotted Sam* from a distance, and I began to walk towards him, but I couldn’t help notice my Dad still parked up. Unsure whether he was planning on introducing himself, I carried on.
Thankfully there was no three way hug, and me and Sam* hit the bar for cheap and cheerful cocktails.
He was tall, dark and better than his photos. Things were already looking up, especially me, being 5 ft 3.
Happy hour turned into rush hour, as I downed every drink. I needed that quick Beyoncé like confidence to power through, which was only achievable through alcohol.
Conversation involved my cats and their complex relationship, and his future goals and dreams, but as interesting as they were, my drunken eyes kept drifting towards his nachos.
Every time he went to the bar or toilet a small fraction of nachos mysteriously disappeared. I was finding the beautiful tortilla chips smothered in cheese more irresistible than him. I soon called it a night. I just wasn’t satisfied, but at least my stomach was.
There was still some texting back and forth, but I still didn’t fancy him, as much as his dinner. Therefore I politely addressed that, and I thought that would be it.
14 unread texts, 8 snapchats and 3 missed calls later.
Of course! Why would he even be the slightest bit sane? I asked the universe, as at this point, this shit was beyond me!
10 more continuous texts.. begging me to come visit his cats, which was evil, as he was using my weakness against me. Then the manic sad selfie session on snapchat.
I was stunned by his breakdown. Britney had held her shit together better back in ’07.
Despite being overwhelmed I continued to be sweet, but stern, and that backfired.
Sam* had gone from Britney to Kanye West on the crazy scale.
He was demanding to see me one last time, to play with my hair and kiss me goodbye. Before sick had the chance to surface my phone screen. I chose to ignore him.
It didn’t end there! Sam* told me how I owed him his last requests, and how he deserved better.
At this point I seriously had to question whether we were married in another life, or we just met for 2 hours, as I recall.
My sweetness soon turned sour. I simply told him where to go, as his final striking attempt to change my mind was a snap of him completely naked.
In a way I admired his determination, but for some reason a wide shot of his saggy balls didn’t tempt me.
Sadly, that was the end of me and Sam*, but thankfully I’m a hopeful person, and good things come in three.
Tinder date #3